Argus tell us: How the FBI solves its cases

Argus tells us:

How the FBI solves its cases

Now let’s try to be serious just once.  Here is what Argus told me about his exposure to FBI deal-making methods as taught at the U. Wyoming Law School.  Take heed!


So the FBI wanted to make a deal with me.  Little wonder.  The FBI couldn’t make a case without a deal.   I remembered studying “Deals 301” in law school.  Professor George Washington Carver Jones, the only black professor at the University of Wyoming, taught the class.

“The Federal Bureau of Investigation has merely fallen in line with the preponderant persuasion in America—that deals are what it’s all about—mergers, takeovers, magical paper transactions that reap immediate wealth and make the dull and unproductive instantly rich and famous. Fuck this making stuff,” Professor Jones cried as he paced in front of the class.  That’s why Professor Jones always got the highest student evaluation in the law school.  The students loved to hear him use solid words.  “Fuck this work, for Christ sakes!  Work is for (the n-word.)”  The kids loved to hear him say the “n-word.”  He was the only one who could say it.  “The money is in deals.  Deals, man!  And that’s how the FBI sees it too.

“Today, in modern America, the FBI pretends to investigate, but its agents tap phones and plant bugs under beds so they can listen to the snoring and love-making.  They’d rather hear a couple of (n-words) fuck than make an honest case,” Professor Jones said boosting his rating ten points.  “Occasionally an agent subpoenas a document, and if things get boring a couple of honkies with the collars of their topcoats turned up and wearing snap-brimmed fedoras and imitation Porsche sunglasses corner a witness and scare the living shit out of him.  But they don’t engage in detective work.  They are merely getting things set up to make a deal.

“Now when the guy is ‘ripe,’ as the Bureau likes to phrase it, when the pressure has been on the suspect for Lord-knows-how-long, and the poor bastard has laid awake for six months staring up at the ceiling wondering how to convince his wife and his kids and the old folks at home that he is really innocent, when he gets up in the morning and the first thing that hits him is a ghastly fear that makes his heart beat out of sync, then like the Chinese water torture, the fear dripping down, the terror of the unknown having captured his mind, the pain of it, minute by minute, hour by hour, day after relentless day, wearing away at him until he has endured one drip too many, well, then he disintegrates into an inglorious pile of blubbering fucking rubble at the feet of the FBI, and he’s ready for a deal!”  At the conclusion of the longest sentence uttered by a professor in our law school career, we erupted in loud hoops and applause.

Professor Jones bowed slightly and continued.  “The FBI has several classes of deals available.  The Class I deal is made with subjects who are guilty of nothing and against whom the Bureau has no case whatsoever.   But they have been harassed so long they think they’re guilty, or still believing themselves innocent, they’re helpless to defend themselves, and stupefied by fear, they’ll testify to anything or against anybody if the Bureau will only leave them alone.

“But the FBI makes Class II deals, too.  The Class II deal is for subjects who are actually guilty, but still running at large.  Usually the more guilty you are the better deal you can make.  The Class II dealee might be more guilty than the guy they’re after, but to nail the ‘target,’ the Class II dealee can walk or take ‘short time’ in exchange for his testimony against the target who will likely get twenty years to life. The target could be innocent.  That is not the point.  The point is the deal.  The government isn’t in business to solve cases.  It isn’t in the business of bringing criminals to justice.  The government has but one function and one function only—to make good, solid, saleable deals!”

“Amen,” some smartass in the back hollered.  But Professor Jones paid him no heed.

“Then there are the Class III deals—for inmates.  Here the Bureau scrapes the bottom of the deal barrel.  Everybody wants out of prison, and if an inmate can conjure up a good enough story against the target, the Bureau will make the inmate a fucking deal.  I don’t use the word loosely but with legal precision, because…”  He paused with perfect timing, surveying the class.  We waited, our hearts pounding with excitement.  “Because the deal is to fuck your brother.  Deals!  Buying and selling!  That’s what life in America is all about today.  After the Class III prisoner testifies he’ll be placed on the Witness Protection Program.  A Class III deal is a peachy deal for convicts who have a good story and are good salesmen.  Most crooks are.  Most honest people are not.”

We tried to write down every word the professor uttered.  “The Class IV deal, the most common deal of all, is one in which the suspect is both the fuckee and the fuckor.  He may be guilty or not.  If he admits his guilt the government will be easier on him than if he makes the government prove its case by bringing in Class I, II or III deals against him.  When you’re the target it’s pretty frightening.  You’ve been rotting in jail awaiting trial for eight months without a single ray of sunshine once touching your sickly black hide, and they’ve got you charged with something that pulls ten to life, and you’ve got for a lawyer a honky public defender fresh out of law school with 150 other cases.  You’re just one more n-word.  You can get out in two if you plead guilty, and you get good time for the eight months you already spent in jail.  You make a Class IV deal.  I repeat:  It doesn’t make any difference whether you’re guilty or not.  The Bureau doesn’t care.  It’s another case closed.  What counts to the Bureau is that they made a deal!

I stole a glance at the woman student sitting next to me.  Her mouth was open and her lips wet like Marilyn Monroe’s.  Her eyes were filled with love or lust.  In the excitement of the moment I couldn’t tell the difference.

Professor Jones continued, “If you want to be a success, specialize in making deals with the government.  Besides, it’s risky to try a case these days, because jurors know that the last innocent person in America was John Wayne.”


21 responses to “Argus tell us: How the FBI solves its cases

  1. And here I thought lawyers were public defenders who wore stove pipe hats, had long stately beards, and bred wisdom. The lawyers to be in your world bear no semblance. They are nothing more than actors on a stage, just like John Wilkes Booth. Maybe the south did win.

  2. Argus, you can tell a story. I find it impossible that the people who work for us and protect us would bend the laws and be so wrong in what they do. Why people like that are just filling their own shit into the equation not following the rules and I can not imagine anyone in power not following the rules. That would mean money and power corrupts and I don’t see that over coming what is right. Ok one guy, Nixon.
    PS do you have Marilyn’s current number.

  3. Nice satire Mr. Spence!

    I’m sure the JUST_US bunch will find it revealing to say the least.

    Stay good and kind to yourself.

    Love “Light” and Energy


  4. sounds like chicago politics to me

  5. How appropriate that you write this now…About 4yrs ago I wrote you about a man the FBI assasinated in Puerto Rico…today, they are “investigating” the Gulf refinery fire which ocurred last week. For some reason, the owners, who are not locals, did not want to allow the “local” police to enter the site along with the FBI to investigate…They only wanted the FBI there…and once again I wonder, if they already have made deals in the past, and want to make another deal…You see, it’s been said the refinery had many EPA violations, it’s also true that some of the very poor live in the area which surrounds the refinery…and now of course, they will attempt to blame it on the locals or “cut a deal with the FBI”…which thousands suffer from the smoke, the polluted land, water, etc…

    PS – I guess they didn’t want the local police as it is a cultural thing there to just “say it like it is…” whether someone w/power or money is involved or not…

    Once again, the rich will take advantage of the poor…

  6. Isn’t Argus in the witness protection
    program, still, after he squealed on
    Dick Cheney, on the wild hogs in the Tetons. ?
    Professor Jones must have really
    programmed the kiddies at Laramie,
    into thinking he was a real deal making
    When will TLC have him as the keynoter
    at it’s Warrior sessions,
    I bet you can hardly wait for that sermon,
    Didn’t Jones get his experience in the
    Reagan DOJ, please tell is more on
    ” George”

  7. I have to agree with Argus. I’ve seen what goes on and the dirty work of the government. It’s sad but real…and be sure to throw in our infamous IRS group and their deal making!

  8. Freud wrote in 1929: ” The first requisite of culture, therefore, is justice–that is, the assurance that a law once made will not be broken in favor of any individual. “

  9. Check with J R , TLC Communications misinster, he has all the #’s, all EMAIL addresses, all, E-SER-Lists, you name it
    this Kat has it all as to what counts.(Data mine King OF THE Net)
    George Jones, what a professor, I can just hear(in the Screen rights for Argus) about him now, going on about the FEDS, and, and the pecking order on who nails who, when, where, and how.
    When the feds lost a case on “LETS make a deal” from some FED APPEAL, court, DOJ on HIGH, it then went to the IN BANC, and the FEDS petitioned that the entire U S Justice system would crash, if lets make a deal was not a central part of it. In Banc reimposed “Lets make a deal” as the main frame of the U S Criminal Justice System.
    Squeal for deals.
    However, some don’t really care about “honest services” in GOV, why it would make it too difficult for the political class to rig the mucho billion bucko deals, and never be touched. AIG, it is in high cotton, and above the rat race of the squealer deals, it just gets Congress to give it $ 85 billion, no questions asked, hardly..Why a new form of HUSH MONEY, and the FBI is helpless, almost, “in irons”, damn near.

  10. As I attempt to explain to the uninitiated, deal making has traditionally been all about managing risk within a process constrained by limited time and resources. The glut of cases handled by the criminal justice system has occasioned a lot of heavy-handedness on the part of prosecutors, judges and, God forbid, defense attorneys. It’s never been a straightforward system whereby the guilty admit to their wrongdoing, gleefully accepting their punishment and the “innocent” are exonerated at trial. People who have long proclaimed their innocence plead guilty on a daily basis under the theory that “nothin’ beats the streets”. Jail house snitches are commonplace because, unfortunately, juries believe them. These realities have a profound effect upon those of us who represent the accused. Winning at trial becomes more of a relief than a cause for celebration. Losing a case for a client you truly believe to be not guilty becomes a life-long burden. There is no joy in Mudville…

  11. But, how many lawyers, have or took clients
    they “did not believe in ?
    Then, when they lost the case,
    exclaimed over drinks to their bar buddy
    ” it was just a case”
    No more, than passing files, from one file
    to the outbox
    “Just a case”. Then, move on to the next.
    Is that reality very much the practice. ?
    Most lawyers do not win every time.
    Far from it. And, this despite some slick
    ads on the WWW/ I- Net.

  12. I just finished a difficult trial involving a family who’s son was killed, without cause or reason, by police officers in their own home. The decedent left his parents and two young children who will now not have a father for the rest of their lives. After 5 years of litigation and no appologies or settlement offers by the defendant government entity, our jury said what the police did was WRONG and awarded our family $5.5M. I believed in this family when I took the case and believed in them even more by the time I looked our jurors in the eyes and told our story. People- you need to ask questions. There are good people out there and there are bad people too. Some sell lumber and others practice law. Some drive cabs and others wear badges or work for the government. Each case is different and our system and liberty allow all of us to question authority and respect due process. I truly believe that, “There is one way in this country in which all men are created equal -there is one human institution that makes a pauper the equal of a Rockefeller, the stupid man the equal of an Einstein, and the ignorant man the equal of any college president. That institution, gentlemen, is the court.” Atticus Finch – To Kill a Mockingbird.

    Mitch Jackson/ Jackson & Wilson, Inc.

  13. I went to trial against the feds and I lost. I thought I had it bad until I got to prison and I heard so many unfortunate stories, so many good and productive people yanked out of society, away from their families to help support an unofficial type of welfare called the Department of Justice.
    The main thing I learned about the Feds: Its not about stopping crime, its about getting convictions.
    When I asked my prosecutor why he would take it to trial if I did not plead, he told me “Because I think I could win”.
    In the end even if you win you still lost, I’m a prime example, I already finished my sentence(not counting probation), but my case is on appeal, if I get a mistrial or other relief, then what? I wonder if I would even get an apology letter?

    • Anon:

      You have it right. Justice is not the issue in the system we live in. Winining is what we are taught from the beginning. The defendant in a criminal case gets what is left after the prosecutor, the judge and the defense attorney get what they need from the case.


  14. I have found that the “American Dream” defined traditionally by our forefathers in corporate America as “home ownership” is NOT the American Dream. That is a lie. The American dream is owing your LIFE, your freedom, and your time. My wife and I escaped the lies by adopting and living the Vanabode lifestyle while traveling 700,000+ miles in 15+ years.

  15. On moral burnout…when the victim is further victimized….you have moral burnout.

    What the law needs is a good voice. A free and true one.

    I hoped that the initial info I sent on the death or murder of my mother – would have been met with due comment, perhaps on the social agency that made it possible.


    When people have a strong voice, such as I do, and my Father did before me, there are many that are intimidated.

    I do not expect any – or very many to even attempt – to fill his shoes. After all, his character, which has proved sterling in retrospect, allowed him to participate in such a constructive manner, as to promote peace – on a global basis – and to introduce to us the technology and opportunity for the economiy that would allow us to negotiate peace more strongly and certainly, the gift of the alternative car.

    I at that time, introduced work policy, creation of medical databases for research, and more…..

    The patent for this alternative car was stolen or taken from him by force – by family inlaws and assorted government agents. He was interogated and tortured, yet his goals remained the same, did not change.

    This should incur admiration… The inlaws, and many of the agents, envied him…, also, they envied the potential wealth, ….

    Now, what does it benefit you to change my father’s story, and my story also, and to make us to appear as shady people? Having something to do that is shady?..on the Letterman show.

    You made money – at my expense.

    But, no where have I seen you or yours or your group, state anything to the effect that older people should be treated with choice only.

    THis prevents state control, facism, torture, which according to the Geneva convention, medicine that is not by choice is a basic element of torture. A sign of state controls ill effect on society, a place America should not have gone.

    What would happen to Letterman if he had to make a statement biased towards ethics, principles, good medicine, elderly rights, life itself…

    It makes no sense to make comedy skits about something I did not do, nor to make fun of a very decent man that suffered horribly during WWII while tortured…trying to stop the Facist advance of Hitler?

    Why don’t we put the stops on. don’t you and david have enough money?

    Of course, my free and strong voice is supported by myself and I am without a salary

    why would a group of well heeled lawyers travel to sit and view a person such as myself, that they have profited off of?

  16. Got an A+ in this course.

  17. Any building with Herbert Hoover’s name on it can hardly represent truth and justice.

  18. Does it make people paranoid for the rest of their lives or do they usually get over it?

  19. “A blubbering…….is right.”

    Any buildilng with the name J. Edgar Hoover on it…..cannot represent truth and justice.

  20. Ditto September 22, 2010!

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