Folks, Argus got such a monstrous response to his last offering here that he got quite balmy, authored the following and personally delivered it to me for posting. I disclaim responsibility for its content and do not agree or disagree with any of his conclusions.
Gerry Spence
By Argus Joseph Thompson
Of course, God is insane. That is, as we have seen, He or She does not know the difference between right or wrong – the legal test for insanity. For convenience, let’s call God, Henrietta, and understand that She is really a He, and that He thinks He is a She so that in the confusion Henrietta becomes an androgynous “IT.” In the end we do not know which is which and which was switched.
The foregoing is quite a wondrous and holy insight, and its truth cannot be denied since I have now confirmed the foregoing based on ultimate authority, namely the Bible. There it says, 1 Genesis 27: “So God created humankind in his image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.”
Now can’t we immediately see that God was a He, but he made humankind, which means he made both men and women, in his own image. And Eve came from Adam’s rib, which further proves that womankind had its origins in mankind. Think of it! God starts ITS work all mixed up (good title for a song). One must wonder if Henrietta wasn’t all strung out (another good title) when IT started fiddling around with the earth and the garden and dumped those naked folks in there with apples and snakes – with poison apples, no less, while there is no mention that the snakes were poisonous. But ever since we have been afraid of snakes, but we eat apples.
Instead, IT, namely Henrietta, could have furnished Adam and Eve with Orville Redenbacher’s Tender White Gourmet Popcorn in the microwave oven, which would have saved humankind from all that original sin. Instead IT waited until the 20th Century to invent the microwave oven, which, but for IT’s insanity, could have been dumped into the garden at the beginning along with the poison apples and the snakes. After all, which is harder to create, a microwave oven or poison apples and snakes? I rest my case.
God must have been utterly insane or IT would not have chosen to cause Eve, a perfectly innocent little lady, even without any clothes, to chomp down on that poison apple so that all of her children and her children’s children and their children’s children to the end of all children, now and forever, would be born in sin – on account of Henrietta’s aversion to popcorn and ITS insane love of poison apples and snakes instead. This proves, beyond doubt, that Henrietta was insane and that today IT does not know the difference between right and wrong. We must therefore pray not to God but for God. The prayer should go like this:
Dear Orville Redenbacher up in the sky,
Thou who hast taught your tender white gourmet popcorn to fly,
Please help Henrietta’s brain;
IT is quite insane.
And down here IT is causing us a lot of pain.
Amen.
Please pass this on to ten other insane persons immediately, (they are all around you) and together we can rid ourselves of sickness, death and AIG.
Yours truly,
Argus Joseph Thompson, Insane
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